Can't Sleep Makes Me Mad

Why is it that when I'm exhausted and need sleep, my mind won't let me rest, and I'm up at 5am, wide awake? Is it that important that I have to write now? It just makes me angry at myself.

All I want to do is sleep, and I know that I'm taking two hours out of my life by acknowledging this early morning call to no peace and no sleep. Normally, I'm pondering something, turning it over and over in my head, but when I woke up, I was just pissed. Like, why, dude? Why now? Why you gotta deprive yourself of nature's healing medicine, and throw off my sleep pattern for the rest of the work week, especially when you've got FOUR more days 'til the weekend?

Sheesh to my subconscious! I'm mad at you. And my wife sleeps comfortably and immediately after waking up for a quick trip to the bathroom, while I stare at the dark ceiling and yell silently to myself. Why can't you be like that? Asleep right away.

Do I have anything important to say? Perhaps a subconscious reaction to Iran's president visiting NYC? Heroes began it's first season last night, and I missed it? I'm sick of selling to customers? That's probably more on track, and the stress of waking up and possibly losing two hours, while facing streams of anonymous shoppers, while lacking energy, stresses me out even more and keeps me up at night.

The ironic twist is killing me. As I stare at "killing me" and consider the alternative metaphors, I delay and deprive the sweetness of rest, in the comforts of my beloved's arms. I hear the murmur of voices through the walls or windows and wonder if they were up all night drinking, or if they're getting ready for work. What kind of place do I live in?

After over a year in one place, the longest stretch either one of us has spent in New York in one stretch, I can't help but long for a change, but the counterpoint of moving again seems less appealing.

I want to break free, fly away for at least a month, or drive away like my brother to the wild west, on a cross-country adventure. The world is calling me and I'm not listening. Well, obviously I am listening, at five in the frickin' morning.

Coffee helped me tune out the voices during the day, but kept me up at nights. Without the drug, my subconscious is running free, and the emotions I've repressed are flowing outward. Go west, young man.

I'm jealous of the voices through the wall. Free enough to have a fun time at this hour. Although, really, they're being free in the middle of a strange neighborhood in Brooklyn. They're probably cuckoo, and I'm being jealous of the crazies.

Ok, I think I've hit some peace. A little night time spewing, and the sleep is returning... 42 minutes later. Better claim it while it's pulling me back to bed.

The Genesis of a Host

As any might realize, I have recently attempted stand-up comedy, getting up in front of an audience with a mic and entertaining. This isn't new to me. The writing my own jokes part is, but I've been hosting/MC-ing since 2001.

I got my start by accident, attending a birthday party of someone I just met, with a new friend, who happened to be close with the celebrant. It was at a high-end club, complete with Kobe beef on the menu, aptly named The Dish, located at The Power Plant in Rockwell Center, an upscale shopping mall in Makati, Manila, Philippines. When you enter Rockwell, the outdoor entrance iss lined with culinary hot spots, one after another, allowing the upper class to mingle outdoors in tables and chairs, sharing in the tropical revelry of the night heat. As the evening progresses, it tends to resemble any block party on the street, except its imbibing patrons are decked in Prada and Manolo Blahnik, thanks to Sex in the City.

When one enters the mall, first you are hit with arctic breeze of air conditioning or "aircon," then by the international chic of Calvin Klein, DKNY, Guess, Polo, and other famous, fashion labels, just like any suburban shopping mall in America. The difference here is, the ease at which an American in Manila can afford it, thanks to the 50 to 1 exchange rate of peso to dollar. Then we climbed three levels of escalators to the top, where you must be on the guest list to enter The Dish. I must inform, malls are not just places of commerce in the P.I. (Philippine Islands), they are cultural havens, playgrounds, oases from the brutal heat, so the indoors is where the people gather.

I was attempting to meet new people and going out clubbing with them was my means of choice. The birthday girl was a semi-famous, travel show host, a filipina-Canadian, who had relocated here and succeeded somewhat in the business or "showbees." Why not bond with celebrity, and perhaps some of that might rub off on me. At the time, I wanted other things to rub off, OH!

During dinner, a contest, complete with host and game began, and I was singled out to participate, being the foreign-looking, mixed-race young man that I am. As a mestizo, one really does stand out in the homogeneous Philippines. So, the natural ham to get onstage took over, and I joined the other contestants. It was almost like a strip poker, removing one article of clothing for each progression towards the prize, which I forget. Filipinos are shy and most of the contestants were completely covered near the end of the contest. The host then challenged us to see how far we were willing to go to win.

Come on! For real? I had recently completed my acting training in New York, freed of any inhibitions, nude twice in class by my own volition. How far was I willing to go? Well, I didn't want to get arrested for indecency, so I stripped down to my boxer-briefs, with jeans around my ankles, dancing around like any fool in front of an inebriated mass, and got a laugh from the normally restrained party-goers.

Needless to say, I won, thank you, and won the attention of the club's party planners, because through a friend of a friend, my number was given to them, and I got a call to co-host one of the next events with MTV Philippines VJ, KC Montero. It seems, I had the spirit and energy that they were looking for in a host. Shit, show some skin, and you can get a job.

That's how the host was born.

Free from the Bean

Today I'm beating the sickness... caffeine addiction.  Every other year or so, I decide to drink it or not.  When the taste of coffee or soda touches my lips, it's not the oh-my-god-that-sweet-nectar-of-life feeling, but the that's-a-nice-flavor-I-once-knew-fondly taste, which I do miss every once in a while when eating some pizza.

So I decided to pay a little more attention to my day job, and it seems to have included adding the external substance that many inject from Dr. Starbuck's. I couldn't handle Starbuck's acidity, well, my stomach couldn't handle it, leading to other places, so I went milder.

But today is day three of no caffeine, and the headache is starting to kick in with a vengeance.  Actually, a slight bitterness that might be cured with a nap or a good night's sleep.

Oh, how easy I conquered thee, mighty bean.  Your fragrant clutches, I pry from my shoulders.  

Wow, it's been a while

Ok, so much has happened since April, and I will only update the abridged version. Summer went by in a flash. Finally spent a much needed vacation with the lovely wife in Florida, Miami and Key West, thank you very much.

Upon immediately returning, I performed actual stand-up comedy at Caroline's on Broadway, the Caroline's Comedy Club in Times Square. I shouldn't inflate it too much; it was the completion of my six-week class, that culminated on stage, fueled by adrenalin and my wonderfully supportive family and friends that were there.

They rock!

Probably the most nervous I had been in a long time. From rehearsal at 1pm, to just prior to stage time at 5:30pm, I was on a roller coaster of heart-bursts and recovery, butterflies and netted calm, holy shite, do I know my stuff, and I got it down.

But I survived the rush and am invited back for Caroline's New Talent night on October 9th @ 7pm... Here's the event on Facebook.

The main thing is that I'm back on the blog, playing with video sketch comedy ideas to post on YouTube, of course. So, for my own sake and sanity, I'm writing publicly again.

Always a Hokie

All this time away from Virginia Tech, I've thought of my time there as the distant past, my schooling as an engineer before becoming an actor in New York. But in light of the events on April 16, 2007, the day after my birthday, my memories of that beautiful place, set cozily in the mountains of Blacksburg, have come rushing back to me, and all of them seem good, refracted by time and distance.

I left Tech in 1998 to study acting, here, in New York, then after that lived in the Philippines for a year, and returned only to find the girl of my dreams waiting for me. We've been married almost two years, and lately I've been saying, let's drive down to Tech, it's so beautiful there, I want you to see where I went to school. Now we are definitely going down there in September.

I want to reclaim my school, our school, from this unfathomable event. You would understand if you went there. It was my home for five years, I lived in the dorm where the initial shootings took place, West AJ, I took engineering classes in Norris Hall, where the majority of the violence took place, I crossed the Drillfield daily on my way to class as a freshman and sophomore. I got to look at the gray, granite buildings tower over us and welcome us in to learn.

In the beginning, I appreciated every second there, independent, away from home, in the campus of campuses. School got harder, my direction changed, as did my goal to get out of Blacksburg and go to NYC. Now, all I can feel is the desire to drive down I-81 to see the orange and maroon of our beloved campus and give my support to the families and friends, students and faculty, that call Tech their home right now.

Whatever my political views, I watched the Convocation yesterday held in Cassell Coliseum, with overflow at Lane Stadium. The media has been covering everything and having the day off, I watched coverage all day. And after the speeches, and sincere words spoken to console, from President Steger, to Governor Kane, President Bush, and Nikki Giovanni, the crowd, in unison and impromtu, began clapping to our all-too familiar cheer, "Let's go Hokies!"

Here is what I wrote in Facebook:

My thoughts, prayers and love go out to all the family and friends of the victims, as well as, the Virginia Tech community. As an alumnus who has lived in West AJ, sat in lectures in Norris Hall, I can only imagine the fear students felt during this tragedy. I wish hope and healing upon our school and am grateful for this online community, showing that people care about other people throughout the world. Always a Hokie...

Here's what MSNBC correspondent and Tech alum, Hoda Kotb had to say, and it resonated with me when I watched her video of this.

As more information unfolds, especially about the victims, please keep them in your hearts.

We've always known the Secret

Part of the new energy of writing is waking up in the middle of my night, whether I go to bed at 10 pm or 2 am, I rustle to consciousness when the desire to express nudges at me. I lay in bed for 10 minutes, get up, write for an hour, then head back to bed. Or if the comfort of the bed with Julie nestled in my chest and shoulder fights with that desire, I wait in bed for an hour and a half, until sleep reclaims my consciousness or I am forced to leave that comfort and plop myself in front of the computer. That second description applies now.

The Universe is speaking to me lately and I have been listening. I’m sure the Universe is always speaking but the difference is, now, I’m quite attentive and taking not that things are going to change. Within me, the change has already occurred, and I know that $10 million is heading our way. I have asked, I believe and I am ready to receive. Those are the three steps to “the secret”, which was not a secret to Julie.

She has been teaching that to me for a long time, and I have applied the secret in my life many times, only now, I am conscious of the process of getting what I want from life and the Universe. I understand the effects of changing my focus, attracting the bad as much as the good to me.

This is why my subconscious tugs at me, re-awakening me from my slumber from awareness. I am aware once again, and I am in control of my life. I have gotten what I wanted from life and the Universe before, and it is happening for me again now in the present, and will continue in the future.

I want it all, and I ask the Universe daily, and I believe. I have creative work that I am passionate about, writing, and I will get $10,000,000 for it. Acting will be and is a part of my life forever, on my own TV show and in many films with fulfilling roles. I have asked for love and Julie entered my life. Now with all the money that is mine, I want a family, a beautiful home by the ocean in California, a gorgeous Manhattan apartment in Trump tower at Columbus Circle, waking to sunrises, and watching the sunset from the heights of our corner view. I want a hybrid car for both of us, doing my part to bring health to our world again. Healthy children, at least two, maybe as many as five, are coming to Julie and me.

I have already found happiness and joy on a daily basis, and as I maintain that part of my life, playfully and freely, everything else is following. My heart is full of love which I give to Julie and those in my life, family and friends, co-workers and strangers on the street.

I am open and listening, awake and aware, and freedom is mine. I am free and that is the biggest lesson that I knew, have always known, and now I know again. I am free.

“God” means the Universe to me, where Energy means everything in it, as in physics, everything in the Universe is energy. I am energy, and my energy is transformed and radiating outwards, calling and attracting through electromagnetic forces. I am simply waiting to receive it, playfully and aware. God bless the child in me.

Change of Life

It's been two months since my last entry. During that time, I've become full-time in the computer store, spending hours upon hours on my feet, answering questions, helping newbies to the world of computing, and selling people things they didn't know they needed, until I educated them on it.

It's a different world than the investment bank, and although, I won't name names on either side, I am enjoying this computer, retail world much better than being the beckon-call guy for million-dollar bankers and lawyers. At least I'm dealing with people in normal life, normal mainly being international tourists, but normal meaning their casual time to improve their lives with a computer.

The writing has paused, but the ideas have swelled, beginning to formulate outlines for the novel or screenplay I am writing. This is a big plus, and just getting it down on the computer has inspired me to keep going. Julie's ideas on scene arrangement, staying clear of typical chronology of plot, is helping me to create fresh ideas. She's really good at that stuff.

Besides that, auditions here and there, on a higher scale, but no bites... YET. I know it will bite soon and the $10,000,000 will be in my bank account shortly. Came close with VH1 lately. It seemed like the likely path, but the path has other plans for me.

There must be plenty of karma in the savings account, hopefully, acquiring interest, as I help people on a daily basis, 40 hours per week. I woke up this morning, unable to sleep, thinking about the two situations that I wasn't able to resolve before the customers left the store.
Wishing I got it right, and remembering the situation for next time, my subconscious is keeping me in check, which is why your actually reading a new entry, at 5:20 AM, before the sunrises, while the east coast sleeps, and Manhattan is shrouded in darkness.

So many people pass through the store daily. It's organized chaos, as my brother-in-law put it. There's a tug between two sides of me while I'm selling. Sell what needs to be sold for me to look good to the managers and make sure the people are getting what the need and want. Usually the two sided align, but sometimes I'm selling things people may not need, although if they choose to learn about what they have bought, they will find those tools easy to use, and fun to begin with, as far as the newbies are concerned. It's a fine line, and I want to make sure I get it right, otherwise I'm up in the middle of the night worrying if they know what they need to get.

I forgot something as simple as getting someone a printer cable to go with their new printer. It saves them a trip back, and time at home going, "where the heck is my cable?" But their lies the guilt, which happens. Mistakes are made, days are long, and I'm always talking all day to people.

Funny, I never saw myself in sales or retail, but I really enjoy it at times. One, I'm a geek and have always been a computer geek. I've denied that side of me for too long, and the real geek in me is allowed to flourish. The other, hammy, actor side also gets served while giving newbies and veterans an intelligent show, about products I love and believe in, and have acquired fortuitously while in the employ of (insert name here).

In the process, I've acquired friends, albeit younger ones, who are all artistic balanced with enough nerdiness to know about the exploits of the gigahertz, memory, hard drives and graphics card. All walks of the arts are represented, and there is a reason for me to work here. I have craved stability and consistency; ask and I have received. I have benefits, stock options, and a potential 401(k), all in the realm of adulthood, responsibility, and leaving the 20's way behind, and I'm totally cool with that.

I'm also learning so much about what I have denied myself for a decade, since leaving engineering and finding acting. I'm in touch with techno tools that only deepen my love for art and creativity. There all tools, and I'm using my movie chisel.

The only thing that is remembered on a daily basis... I am an artist, and will always be an artist.

So the writing continues, the pursuit remains, and the expression of thoughts, emotions, dreams and truths will forge through the ether, seeping into the energies of my Universe.

Love is in my bed at night,
and this font of soulful reserves,
spills and drenches,
cleansing and purifying
My soiled feet that have tread
the pathways of men and women
laid forth before my birth
whose creators are no longer flesh
yet wander those same paths alongside
the tourists, the wanderers
the new creators
always adding layers to the path
while wearing down the dirt and concrete

this is the city of spirits and light
dueling with darkness
and a hole in its heart
at the end of the pathway
the spirits linger waiting
waiting to rebuild
waiting for an end to lingering
leave stones in monument to them
and keep walking your pathways
finding a place to place my own stone
and come back home to bed
to cleanse from the font once more
every day
every month and year
Love is in my bed at night

Read this article in the NYT

I got all mushy about those darn kids. A great story to be shared.

Refugees Find Hostility and Hope on Soccer Field:

The mayor of Clarkston, Georgia needs a flogging and a wake-up call to the real world. But he may change his ways yet...

Last Week's Auditions

I don't want to jump the gun, but I'm pretty sure that I didn't get jobs for which I auditioned last week. Had initial meet and greet on Tuesday for a TV hosting gig that would shoot in 13 locations globally, to raise awareness on green-friendly travelling. Won them over with my involvement in Gawad Kalinga, my experience in the Philippines, and of course, my charming demeanor :P. Got the call-back on Wednesday.

The call-back was supposed to be an on-your-feet type of audition in front of the camera. Learn material about a specific location from information they provided, introduce the location with poise and grace, and a little hook, then mock-interview an expert on the green, tourist spot.

On the interview, I over- and under-prepared. I over-prepared a written introduction, trying to remember verbatim what I wrote, without allowing for flubs and winging it. Result, I choked on the intro, after putting tons of pressure on myself to get it right. After three or so takes, I streamlined it, then went into the mock-interview. That part went great, showing them that I did all the research, and was able to ask informative questions to a local expert - the local expert being one of their producers who had traveled to the pre-determined location.

After the interview, I segwayed beautifully into the next imaginary segment. Smooth and controlled. I wish they could have overlooked the intro, I just happened to be the first auditioner of the day, and I was a bit cold. My fault, of couse. Plus, in my experience, when taping in the field or on location, you always screw up, and it's okay. You tape it again, and they edit it later. My problem is that I didn't laugh it off. I looked stressed.

Oh well. Past is past, and at least the casting director saw me. I got this one through my agent, that my lovely wife helped me to acquire.

Second audition was on Frieday, for a commercial spokesperson of a cable company. I was on camera for a big casting director here in New York, and that made me happy. I've been working with this manager, and he got me the audition. Another acquisition through the Julie.

I'm just happy that I've been auditioning regularly in 2007. It feels good and I know this will be a good year for the both of us.

As far as the prior-mentioned choke... I just started thinking about all the good that this potential gig could do for our life. The travel, the money, starting a family, a step up in my career by acquiring more for my hosting reel. Audition techniques are exactly what I learned at the Academy, and I guess I didn't warm-up or go through relaxation enough. Instead of focusing on the material, I was focusing on the irrelevant personal, that should be wiped away to neutral before I get started in front of the camera.

Live and learn, and next time I'll do better. Plus, the more I audition, the easier it gets. You get to the point where you don't care or expect if anything is going to happen, then you become fearless, because you have no expected consequences. Usually that happens when you audition a lot. It's a don't-care, I-own-the-room attitude that gets you jobs, which has gotten me jobs in the past, and will get me them this year.

I predict fortune's favor for the Filipino flava.

Today, I sit atop the investment bank again, assisting executive bankers, answering phones, reserving cars, printing documents, and eating my homemade lunch at my desk. At least Julie is here today too. There's comfort in shared banking experiences.

I'm still waiting to hear about my potential promotion at the computer store.

I feel like I'm waiting for things to happen that depend on other people. That means I need to make something happen this week. There's my goal.

Also, I've been remembering my dreams a lot lately. I wake up, break them down, analyze the symbols, apply them to my life, and the cycle continues daily. That means I'm in touch with my inner self. That's new-agey talke for I understand what I'm feeling on a daily basis. Good for me. I think I went several months without remembering my dreams.

I'm back, baby! Back to sleep. Back to work. Back to the gym :)

Quotes from a Cubicle

From high atop the 42nd floor, I am filling in for another actor. These quotes in no way reflect the views or positions of this blogger. However, they were stolen honestly from the non-private walls of a cube. There are more quotes, but I'd rather not relay what the Goddess has to say.

But these are semi-worthy or worthy for you and me.

"He that respects himself is safe from others." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible." -Saint Francis

"Whenever you see darkness / there is extraordinary opportunity / for the light to burn / brighter." -Bono

The Actor's Vow

I will take my rightful place on the stage and I will be
myself.

I am not a cosmic orphan.

I have no reason to be timid.

I will respond as I feel; awkwardly, vulgarly, But respond.

I will have my throat open.

I will have my heart open.

I will be vulnerable.

I may have anything or everything the world has to offer, but the thing I need most, and want most, is to be myself.

I will admit rejection, admit pain, admit frustration, admit even pettiness, admit shame, admit outrage, admit anything and everything that happens to me.

The best and most human parts of me are those I have inhabited and hidden from the world.

I will work on it.

I will raise my voice.

I will be heard. -Elia Kazan

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Is is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. We are meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us ; it's in everyone. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other s permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -Marianne Williamson, 1992

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and
those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss

That's enough for today. Must leave!

Audition and the Goal - Minus Torture

Had an audition today. One of those one-liner, lottery calls that could be won by anybody, but is basically up to the way you look and not the way you deliver the one line. Auditions like these do not bother me if I don't get it, until and unless I get past the first round into the call back, and that's when the skills, hopefully, come in. I got skills.

I'm, also, happy to report that this is my second audition in the New Year. Double the amount of commercial auditions I've had in the second half of '06. I'd like to call that progress. This will continue. I have confidence in the fishing-net, talent-recruitment style of the manager I'm using, taking in many headshots/resumes and pushing them out in large numbers, hoping one of them bites. It's the numbers game. Cold calling. Cold calling. The ABC's. "Always be closing." Yes, I quote Mamet.

My schedule is strange this week, as I await my promotion at the computer store, and raise, hopefully, and I am working last minute at the investment bank. To protect the innocent, I use not names of fame and grandeur.

Last night, I finally watched Syriana, and this geo-political drama, so much more common these days, was a maze of characters, implications, story lines, and Big Oil politics, making me eager to torture a Texas or Saudi oil exec in Guantanamo and coerce them with electrodes, beyond borders in Afghanistan, to lighten their lobby on the Hill, and create more Hydrogen and hybrid research in the U.S. If Big Brother's contradictions of Constitutional law can continue, than I can follow their lead and whip up a terrorist spy, and when it hits the media feed, deny all knowledge of the terrorist, and blame the former spy for their unsponsored acts, because I didn't know anything about it, and I'll support only moral and just spies who torture under our very own borders. Yeah, that's right.

Good movie. I want to re-watch for the details I missed. Complex, inter-woven, mult-POV, fragmented stories seem to be the way to tell geo-political dramas lately. Let's thank Tarantino for the trend, which has been embraced from TV to film - Heroes, Lost, Babel, Traffic, Pulp Fiction, though most of these aren't geo-political; geo-comic-book-ensemble, maybe.

That's it. Back to work, salads, and fried chicken.

One last thought before I nosh - I admire the man behind the drama, and winner of Oscar for his role in the film. George Clooney gives all us aging actors (I'm not too age-d yet) hope that it can still happen later in life. The fame and fortune are not my desired ends as much as the ability to always work as an actor in relevant stories. That's all I really want. The money part is secondary. Not only that, to be able to write and direct those stories too, like the man Clooney, wouldn't be so bad either. Oh yes, it will happen. Unlike the aforementioned oilmen, I would not like an enduring torturous process to get there. Although an enduring process is a reward in itself. Thanks be to time and the Universe, minus torture.

Dislocation in D'Country 2 - The Voyage Home

My cousin has recently returned from living abroad in Japan, for only a two week stay here in the New Jersey/New York area, and I am brought back to my return from the Philippines back in Dec. '01-Jan.'02. When I was in the Philippines, I felt like I was in it, connected, on the verge of something purposeful, and that I had life by the benwah's. I had recently appeared on a national talk show there, and people were recognizing me on the street, albeit sparsely. But as I entered JFK airport, waiting to get my passport checked, a group of three Filipina girls stopped me and said, "weren't you on the show, 'Mel & Jay'?"

That 'flip'ped me out... yeah, you like that? I can say flip because I am half of one, but Michael Richards, you cannot. So, as all of that was going for me, I returned home to a flag-filled America. The woman checking passports was a large African-American lady, and I hadn't seen black people for five months, so I wanted to give her a hug. The Philippines is very monochromatic, which is why I stand out as a mestizo (mixed), and why I loved returning to my wounded city of diversity, ingenuity, determination and courage.

It was a painful time in the nation, and I just wanted to get re-acquainted with what had happened while I was away. I felt guilt that I wasn't there. Guilt that I wasn't at home to experience it with our country, but I knew I had to continue with what I was doing over in the P.I. (Philippine Islands).

I bonded with family through our Holiday traditional stay in New Jersey. I walked the circumference of Ground Zero alone, to see it for myself. I cried again. I came back to my aunt, uncle and cousin's Jersey home, and I just remember not being able to get warm. My body was acclimated to the tropical heat of the Philippines, and returning in winter, I couldn't find a jacket that kept the heat in me. While I slept in the day and stayed up all night, adjusting to the time difference, I wrapped myself in blankets, caught up on TV, movies and music and reconnected with friends and family.

I felt in between. I didn't belong here at home because I had no purpose here. My purpose was far away, though when I was there, it felt so purposeless compared to what was going on in the world at the time. A week after 9/11, I performed in a semi-slapstick, definitely schticky, play with an all Filipino cast, about a Filipina who returns from the States to her humble hood of Tondo (a very bad neighborhood), and comedy ensues. For high school kids. I had to do a terrible filipino accent, because I didn't know how to do it at the time, in front of high school kids, in a large school auditorium, all the way on the other side of the world, while the ground was still smoking back home. It just felt wrong.

Three months later though, the need to return to a time zone 13 hours ahead still tugged at me finishing what I started was the goal. I would be on TV again, as a VJ/TV host, and I really went for it. And it happened. The energy was in my hands then, and everything that I set out to do over there, came to fruition.

Maybe now, I'm displaced again. Far out in the wilds of Brooklyn, and it's time to harness the energy once again. I really want it this year. And although I'm five, jeez, five years older, I know that within me, I have the power to manifest what I want, without.

It was only a matter of time, and with the emotional foundation of my wife and family, I am ready to place myself in a state where I grab benwah's again and start making them jingle.

My cousin is figuring it out as we await dry-rub BBQ ribs tonight, and he will. To stay or to go. And when he goes, he'll ask himself again. But where he is now, although physically in his childhood house in New Jersey, he is far away, and he will come to the answers, ponder where he is, in mind, and find his way home.